Difficult conversations often lie between where we are and where we want to be!
It’s tough to look someone you love and/or respect in the eye and tell them you’re not pleased, and yet that’s often what it takes if you are committed to growing your organization, relationship, etc.
Let me give you four reasons why it’s necessary, three reasons why it’s tough, and then three reasons why you should do it anyway…
Four reasons why it’s necessary to have difficult conversations:
- The weakest link in the chain determines the strength of the chain. You can either strengthen the link, change the link, or live with a weak chain. Have the difficult conversation, your organization depends on it. (If your “organization” is the church… God’s honor in your community may ride on your willingness to have a difficult conversation… so have it.)
- People around you will not improve/develop/grow if someone does not speak to the weaknesses in their lives. You have been entrusted with some degree of influence in their lives and to that degree you are responsible to speak. Have the difficult conversation, their personal growth depends on it.
- A leader is only as effective as the team around him/her. If you do not have difficult conversations from time to time, your team will be sub-par and your leadership will be mediocre. Have the difficult conversation, your leadership effectiveness depends on it.
- When you see ineffective practices and/or inefficient methods and you say/do nothing, resentment, frustration, anger, discontent, etc. all begin to build within you! At some point those feelings are going to show and you are going to ruin a relationship, destroy your credibility, and put a dent in your organization! Discern whether or not the issue is worth getting “worked up” about. If it’s not… let it go, but if it is… have the difficult conversation, your personal well-being depends on it!
Three reasons why it’s tough to have difficult conversations:
- Who am I to address this “issue” in his/her life? You are the person who sees it and maybe the only one who will say something about it! Sure you have “junk” in your own life, but we’re not talking about you right now. Don’t allow the difficult conversation to turn into a “Yea, but you…” exchange. You are the leader and your responsibility to the organization, individual, and yourself is to have this conversation. Having said this, don’t miss the opportunity to be the receiver of a difficult conversation! Hopefully you’ve set yourself up as a good listener and learner so that your friends will be willing to take the risk and have a difficult conversation with you.
- What if they don’t like me anymore? They may not. BUT, if a difficult conversation brings lasting division… were they a friend anyway. If you allow superficial relationships to trump the well-being of the entire organization (e.g. family, church, business, etc.) then you shouldn’t be the leader. Being liked is not the number one goal of the leader. Bringing honor to Jesus is the number one goal and sometimes that means having difficult conversations, and it may even mean being unpopular (see this Bible story as an illustration)… do it anyway.
- It takes time! Being busy is no excuse for not having the difficult conversation. What I’ve found though is that “too busy” is often, in my life, a sign of fear. It’s easy to hide behind busyness in order to avoid the difficult conversation. Man-up buddy! Sure, it’s going to take time to have the conversation and do any follow-up necessary (e.g. mentoring, accountability, discipline, etc.), but the end result, organizational, relational, personal well-being, is well worth the time-investment! Have the difficult conversation!
Three reasons to do it anyway…
- You’re organizational effectiveness and efficiency will improve. If you’re in touch with reality and you’re having the right difficult conversations in the right way (i.e. speaking the truth in love), your organization will continue to improve relationally and in terms of effectiveness and efficiency.
- In the end, people will respect you more. Don’t believe me? Check this out… Proverbs 28:23
- The “Three P’s”
- Piss them off – this may/will happen when you have difficult conversations. Have them anyway.
- Push them out - some people will leave after you have the difficult conversation. If you do it right, by speaking the truth in love, it’s probably better for everyone that they leave… so have it anyway.
- Push them up – most people, when you do it right, will appreciate the fact that you had the courage and the love to have the difficult conversation. Initially they may be upset, but in the end they will (if you do it well and they receive it well) GROW and so will your organization!
Where are you now? Where do you want to be? It could be that a difficult conversation is what is keeping you from getting there so… go have it.
Filed under: leadership
Paul,
Good post on difficult conversations. What have you been reading lately that brought these thoughts out? A friend of mine uses this triple mantra, “High truth, high trust, low fear of conflict” to describe healthy, albeit sometimes difficult conversations. I will probably have to rework your 3 p’s, but I loved the rest of the stuff. Thanks for posting leadership material here. May God use it to train others. Speaking the truth in love is a great, Biblical leadership tip!
Mike
Paul,
Have you read “Caring Enough to Confront” (David Augsburger)? It is good stuff in this arena.
Mike
I remember a ministry mentor told me that being a ministry leader is often one difficult conversation after another. That might seem a bit cynical but there is a lot of truth in it. Difficult conversations are a big part of the calling. I hate having them, because I am such a people pleaser and approval suck, but by the power of the Holy Spirit, I have them anyway. Even as hard as they are, I am glad I did it in the end.
well yall here is the deal confrontation is the most stressful part of any relationship. but the relationship cannot be worth anything without it. what is better, a friend that over-looks and accepts anything you do or a friend that challenges you to become a better person! the most valuable relationships i have are with the people that push me to follow my calling! so my challenge to anyone that reads this is… look at any relationship the you are involved in no matter who the person is (even if it is with paul) are they uplifting to you or are there outstanding character flaws, that may not be an issue to others, that bring you stress or offend you. now im not saying to try to make paul fit everyones personality. you must look deep into yourself and find your true self in the people you decide to invest in. the hard topics are the best sources of growth, and without these conversations and challenges a relationship is nothing more than a casual conversation with a casual sunday morning crowd you identify with and nothing more. life should be full of passion and this is to include constantly challenging your surroundings not for selfish gain but rather to glorify every single persone you come in contacr with!
Proverbs 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses.
[...] #6 The Law of Tough Love – This law “addresses those situations where the leader needs to deliver a difficult message or make a tough decision about a subordinate – those situations where it is as difficult for the leader to speak out as it is for the subordinate to hear.” I love this next paragraph, “A leader who has so much concern that he or she is willing to experience embarrassment and pain, and to cause embarrassment and pain, knowing that this will ultimately have a positive payoff for a subordinate, is following the Law of Tough Love. Tough love is hard to give, and hard to receive. But love is the operative word here. It’s the sign of the ultimate respect that a leader can show a subordinate.” (I have written a piece called Difficult Conversations that directly relates to this subject). [...]